Signs of spring are a fallacy

There are probably a million ways people have of predicting when spring finally arrives.

Not that it matters much; this year spring has proven all those old adages to be a saturated “tissue of lies.” (That’s my favorite quote from my upcoming appearance in a community theatre production.)

Other than using the astronomical calendar, nature and humanity provide us with many “signs” that spring has arrived.

One evidential sign of spring is the melting snow. This year the sun melts the snow, then the snow reappears, then melts, then reappears, then melts again. You get the idea.

The wild birds and animals are running around in circles. They have absolutely no clue as to whether to hide their food in the bark of the tree or just eat it. Really, I have seen some confused ladder back wood peckers this year.

The geese still fly, but I swear I saw the exact same group twice in one day. First time I observed them they were heading north, which is the proper direction. Later, they were heading south. I think they said, “To hell with Minnesota. We’re going back to Texas.”

Wouldn’t surprise me any, if the Minnesota retirees who reside in the south for the winter, turn around and stay until next April. We’ll miss you!

Another predictor I have heard is this: If all of a sudden you step on the scale and you have dropped five pounds, it’s spring. Apparently, especially us Midwesterners, gain a few pounds over the winter. Well, this year, and I can attest to this, we gained more than a few pounds; there were a few days when I needed that extra insulation!

Hey, weight gain could be an accurate sign of spring, as I yet have to fit into last summer’s clothes!

I have my own theories about the arrival of spring, which varies greatly from “scientific” evidence. It’s purely observational.

My first sign of spring involves the cows.

Cows get stupid when the sun starts warming things to a comfortable temperature. They tend to moo a lot and want to run and jump a bit more than they do during the dregs of winter.

In fact, Sunday afternoon the cows totally loved the spring weather, so they decided to bust through their gates, then run north on 140th Avenue, until they happened upon 190th Street. They stopped there; for they didn’t have a clue as to where in the hell they were.


Russell learned that no matter how “early” you return home after prom the night before, you still have to get out of bed to round up cows when your mother is the only other person home.

Having my entire yard aerated with huge cow prints is another sign of spring. I like to think of it as an environmentally friendly way of aerating the lawn. I don’t have to use any gas – although cows give off significant amounts of methane in the form of running farts – because each foot a cow puts on the ground leaves a hole large enough for rabbits to build nests in.

That is true. I have seen footprints used for this purpose.

This year, I am going to use those holes for a landscaping watching feature; koi included.

Another sign if spring is my passage into Steve’s World of Obliviousness.

I mean, I could be sitting on the couch in a hot-pink body cast and the man wouldn’t even take notice.

It’s like he’s the star in the 1980s Dunkin Donut’s “Time to Make the Donuts” commercials.

“Time to plant the seed corn. Time to plant the seed corn.”

This year, he has only been in the mode for one consecutive day.

You read that right. We planted one 12-acre field of corn on one day.

It snowed Wednesday. We’re right back in the middle of winter!

For questions, or comments,

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